How dahell I ended up here? Where am I rn? What? Why?
When?...how?
Keep reading peeps.
So, right after my high school years. I actually went a bit
M.I.A. (missing in action) for some time. I mean, it’s not like I’ve been
totally out of radar, but most of my high school friends didn’t know where I
was or what I was doing. To be exact and completely blunt. I wasn’t ready to
tell anyone. I was always insecure and wary of how people will judge me and I
was never that confident to speak up for myself. At least I thought I had some
hardcore dream of mine that I would achieve no matter what. However, let’s just
say I actually debated for a very long time whether or not to be honest about
this but, oh well, here goes..
Maybe I should start with who I
was and what I wanted to be. Well, since I was a ‘lil kid, I only had one
answer when they asked me about my ambition. ‘DOCTOR’ I would say. Mostly my
friends during mid school and high school know well of this but not for those
that who knew me after that. I would tell just this. I had a tough time during
high school and trust me, that time was my downfall. Or to be more specific,
the beginning of my downfall. It was the same for my family as well. I went
through so many fearful phases that is only for me to know. But Alhamdulillah,
I survived though I thought that that was it and I was never going to feel any
more despair or disappointment after that time but, little did I knew.
*I’m not saying I didn’t have a great time during high
school. I DID. T’was a blast and I very much cherished everything. And to my
friends. I love you guys so much. Every each one of you. Even though we rarely ever speak to one
another after high school.
I admit
that I’ve been through relationships, bad ones, good ones, the regretted, the
not-so-lovey-dovey, you name it. But I am NOT proud with any of them AT ALL
although I did went through a journey in finding my true self throughout the
relationships. And for that, I am somewhat thankful. So during that time I was
always questioning myself and was always in doubt about my actions and myself.
Whenever I was in a relationship, if I was making a decision for myself, I
wasn’t actually making that decision for myself. I was actually making it for
them and al my actions and decisions were influenced by them. YES it was
because of my own attitude and I know not all people deal with the same kind of
problem but in my case, it was a BIG PROBLEM.
Because of that, I think that my relationships that will or will not
occur after this, I would never put my whole damn heart into it. But it’s a
long shot though, because I still have so many things I want to do.
Every cloud has a silver lining,
yes? They sure do. And my silver lining, or the good part that I could take
from that past was a ‘thing’ that my lil bro introduced. He learned something
and was very much interested in it. It was the memorisation of al-Quran. Tahfiz
al-Quran. Memorising our sacred al-Quran. You know what? Before he introduced
it to me, I never knew that it existed so when he did, I was like “Wow, people
actually do that?” It’s not that I haven’t read the Quran before. I did, and I
could. But I just didn’t pay much attention to it. I knew it was holy and
everything. But I didn’t knew that it would one day change my life. Haha I
didn’t even knew the simplest thing like the juzu’ in the Quran. I only knew it
had 30 juzu’ and that’s all because as far as I know when I was ‘mengaji’ with
my ustazah, if I’m reciting the Quran and saw the juzu’ symbol, it means I’ll
reach the end soon. So basically, like I said, I was ‘shooked’ when I found out
about it.
Okay, that is the basic insight
of my teenage years. So let’s begin the story. I am not a fan of moving. But we
move or ‘hijrah’ to have a better chance in living right? So our first phase of
moving was from my hometown, Labuan, to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. And also for your
information, Labuan is its own state in Malaysia. It WAS part of Sabah once,
but not anymore. Even though it is a very small island but it is my hometown
yall. So we moved when I was at Form 5 and I would be taking my SPM that year.
Previously, I studied at SMK Pantai, Labuan, and if you are from there, hello
gaissss ! It was hard to adjust to the new school at first, as it was a girl’s
school and I moved in at the senior year where everybody was practically best
friends with one another that year while I am the ‘new kid’. I moved into SM
Stella Maris, Sabah, and met many new friends there. Although our friendship
was a short one but it never did end. While I did take a science stream for my
SPM, I was really sure I was going to the Medic path after that. But I did not.
After my SPM, on December, I went
to Ampang, to take a short-course-kinda at Kolej Islam as-Sofa. This was
introduced to me by my little bro’s senior at his school. Oh yeah, my bro had
his secondary school at Sekolah Tinggi Islam as-Sofa at Rembau, Negeri
Sembilan. He was still 13 that time and already had school so far away. He was
so manja and small that time but he was a tough kid. Okay, back to the point, I
attended a short-course there for about 4 months if I am not mistaken, and
brought a friend of mine, Syuhaila, from Labuan with me. That short-course was
basically to give the participants a feel of what life would be at universities
or colleges, and as it was an Islamic College, we were tought a few basic
Islamic subjects for our course and given assignments, presentations, exams and
stuff that you would really have at an actual university. I really gained a lot
of knowledge, friends and experience there and I was there for quite a while.
It was my first time living that far from my parents but all was good. Maybe
because I was old enough. The short-course was called ‘Miftah al-Ilmi’ which
means ‘the key to knowledge’ translated from Arab. Because I was attending this
course, I did not get to take my SPM result in person as my previous school was
in Sabah and it was a waste of money to just go back for such a short amount of
time. I just checked my result via SMS (which I received soooooo much later,
around 6pm), and constantly calling my mom. My parents were the ones who took
my result for me. So, I didn’t even had the chance to celebrate and menyibuk
for my classmates results. Well apparently I got all A’s except for Physics
where I got a B+. Close enough to a straight A’s but oh well. I did not feel disappointed
at all for not getting straight A’s because for me, I know how hard I studied,
and I know how well I answered my exams, and I knew that was the best result I
could get. Apart from that, I knew that all I got, was already written by Allah
and that he has plans for me that I would never know. So, I was content with
what I have and proud because I could at least make my parents proud of me.
So, my parents and I looked and
searched for medic schools here and there. One of the shortlisted places that I
wanted to applied to was CUCMS and University Zagazig at Egypt if I’m not
mistaken. But later on, we didn’t pick those because of financial reasons. I of course applied for UPU and guess what? I didn’t
get anything. I was so mad and fed up and just let it be. But then, a friend of
my dad, Ustaz Akmal, introduced me to a Maahad at Kota Kinabalu which was like
a cawangan of Darul Quran. IT offers a Diploma in Tahfiz al-Quran and Qiraat
and a Persijilan al-Quran. Both of this requires us to complete memorizing 30
juzu’s of the Quran. and since the Persijilan course was just for a year, I
planned to take it and then continue my search for a medical school. But lemme
tell ya. Memorizing isn’t easy at all. It is not the same AT ALL when you memorize
formulas and facts and other subjects. It’s completely different. It’s
literally like the Quran chooses the person to memorize it and it does. The
first few months I’m there, I was hiding and crying just reading the Quran. Not
because of the meanings of the Quran though, it’s just because I was so
frustrated that I wasn’t able to memorize at all but I never gave up. And just
like that, after less than a year I managed to memorize 17 juzu’ of the Quran
and I was so attached to it that I took another SPM exam for aliran agama so
that I could transfer to the Diploma in Tahfiz program at that Maahad. But here
is a bit dark side of the story yeah? You are not supposed to do this but I did
it anyway and it was bad. I got involved in a relationship that my parents had
to stop me attending that school and I dropped out. Here is where KUIS come
out. I applied for KUIS in Diploma Tahfiz al-Quran and Qiraat, and started memorizing
again from juz 1. It took me 3 years and I am now an unofficial graduate from
KUIS.
So the first two years at KUIS I
completely pushed away my dreams in becoming a doctor because somehow, my previous
relationship kind of brainwashed me and made up that I should never stand away
from the religious course I’m taking. But then, I went to this bookstore to
binge buying books and stuffs and I saw a book. It’s not even a medic type of
book but it’s just like a children’s book about the human anatomy and that’s
where I just snapped. I was feeling high and euphoric of becoming a doctor
again. I went back home and gave a long thought on why the heck I could not
become a doctor? Then I thought. Why not? Even if it means to start again from
zero, hey, no problem at all. I’ll put aside anything that goes in the way of
my goal. It’s not like I’m straying away from the Quran. Yes it’ll be tougher
to maintain everything if I’m not in an Islamic college or whatsoever, but why
can’t I? It’s tough but it’s not impossible. Some people were like shoooked
when I tell them about my plan to take Foundation in Science after this and
what a waste of my Diploma that I took. But for me it was all books and
knowledge. The Diploma means nothing to me. It is actually the knowledge and
experience I got that matters. That’s why I never felt any feeling of
achievement when I got awards at college because I still felt what knowledge I gained
wasn’t enough. It was all papers and exams. I still wasn’t gaining enough
knowledge that I wanted to and I honestly think that all the awards I achieved
wasn’t because of my intelligence or anything because if it was, I’m sure I
will fail. It was just purely because of my parents prayers for me every day and
night. I’m forever thankful for them. That is why all that I have achieved up
until now is for them and never for myself.
So that’s it. A little bit of
insight to my life story up until now. Thank you for reading until the end. I’m
sorry for those that find my writing difficult to understand as it is in English
but I just feel more comfortable and less awkward writing things like this in
English. To my old friends, guys, I love you, and I still remember all of you.
To my newest friends, hah, I love you guys too. It’s a bit twisted isn’t it? My
life story. Such a plot twist. The future really is a mysterious thing.
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